I’ve just discovered Jory Des Jardins’ blog, Pause. I love it. I spent hours this morning reading it, instead of eating breakfast (impressive: breakfast is my favorite meal by far and I was actually quite hungry). It seems that everything she talks about is fundamentally relevant to my life. She is gone through what I am going through now. But she seems wiser, more insightful, and she writes about it so much better that I would be able to do. Thank you, Jory.
Talking about women and work, I found Confessions of a Former Berry Picker enlightening. It’s a little bit eerie to see Jory describing at the letter the pain I’ve gone through lately at work.
One thing that struck me is her description of the dissociation she felt between her well-adjusted well-behaved self and her Intuitive-self, and the inner debate continuously going on (I wonder if men are “more productive” because they don’t have to deal with multiple personality disorder all work-day long). One thing that she didn’t seem to experience is the pissed-off self. When I felt that my work was just an endlessly stream of tasks that a robot could do better then I did, I didn’t feel so much sadness as total furious anger. When I pictured in my mind discussions with my bosses, I was imaging wrestling matches. What happened in reality what so much sweeter. I found a lot of openness and willingness to listen on their part, and my anger melted away in about a nanosecond. Imagination (at least my ghost-filled imagination) could be so much darker than reality.
May 8, 2005
Oh, believe you me, Antonella, I WAS angry. But the worst kind of angry–the kind you don’t acknowledge. The tears were there to cool me off!
May 8, 2005
And you know, Jory, I was probably very sad, but the worst kind of sad–the kind you don’t acknowledge.
I was sad for all the reasons you mention. I didn’t feel acknowledged, valued, and seen. But for some reasons I chose to feel the anger instead. I think this is a pretty common tradeoff: I feel sad and depressed because I don’t feel like dealing with my explosive anger. Or, I feel angry because I fear sadness and depression.
But the point is: why was so hard to admit that we were not happy about our job? I don’t know you, but it took months and months for me to react to a situation that was definitely not good for me.