In the last issue of Mojo, Bruce Springsteen, who is now 56 years old, talks about mortality : “… the finiteness of your experience is real once you are in your late fifties. This is finite. There is a limited amount of years left in what you’re doing. (…) part of taking your place in the world is letting that clock tick. Letting that clock tick and being willing to listen to it tick and understand that your mortal self is present and walking alongside of you all the time now.”
[Thanks to Scott, who is also grappling with the issue of mortality, for directing me to the article.]
A couple of weeks ago I went to my gynecologist for my annual exam. I told her that my periods are getting shorter, 24 days or so.
“It’s because you are not ovulating,” she said.
I wasn’t prepared for that. Wasn’t I in my thirties just a couple of years ago? Isn’t menopause something that only our mothers had to go through?
“You still have a few years, maybe five or six, before you should start worrying,” my gynecologist told me smiling.
Dorothy, I am afraid we are not in Kansas anymore.
Today is my birthday. I am 45. I am the happiest I have ever been. I am almost comfortable with myself. I have around people I love and who love me. I do many things I like. At the same time, as Springsteen says, I can feel my mortal self walking alongside me. I can see the edges of my existence. And surprisingly, I don’t mind it.
When I was younger and I happened to think about death and mortality, I could only picture them as abstract concepts. I knew mentally they existed but they were not real, I could not feel them. Even in my closest encounters with mortality, death remained just an abstract possibility. It was so far away. But now I can feel it. I look at the horizon and I see that my existence is flat: if I stretch enough, I can touch the edges.
Barry Simmons, a gestalt therapist who led a therapist training group I attended many years ago in Rome, told us about a tibetan lama he met. The lama was very old and very sick. He was close to death and yet he wasn’t a bit scared. He was excited. He was getting ready for this great and fascinating event. He couldn’t wait to jump with all his childish enthusiasm into the new adventure.
So, this is my wish for my 45th birthday. May I overcome fear. May I be able to go through what is in front of me with the same spirit of adventure, discovery, curiosity, and wonder. As Betty Davis/Margo Channing said in All about Eve: “Fasten your seatbelts, it’s going to be a bumpy night!”
December 30, 2005
Happy Birthday!
December 30, 2005
I’m going to send around this post. I’ve been having quite a few conversation with friends lately about getting older and what it means. Thank you.
Antonella, you are truly gifted. You should be writing your own great books.
Have a wonderful new year.
December 30, 2005
What a nice time of year for a birthday – two new years at once. Wishing you the best for both of them…
December 31, 2005
Happy Birthday Antonella! We ALL face the “realization” of growing older at some point…some sooner than others….I guess depending on circumstances. How we gracefully move beyond any fear it may present to us depends on the individual. You have a wonderfully young and enthusiastic spirit Antonella…you’re going to have fun.
January 2, 2006
[…] David wishes for stable Opera Community servers. Ivan believes a rebranding of “The Big O” is Overdue. Greg has found a resolution he can actually keep! Michael reflects on 2005 while looking forward to mo-better in 2006. Go Michael! Jory wants her bank to quit hounding her and make things right. Rob shares his New Year’s resolutions. Antonella wants to overcome fear and reflects on it during a birthday post. Belated happy birthday, girl! Jenn plans to stop and smell the roses a bit more often in 2006. […]
January 2, 2006
Happy Birthday, and good wishes for your 45th birthday wish.
January 5, 2006
Antonella – Happy Birthday! May today, and every day, be as great as you want it to be!
January 9, 2006
Belated Happy Birthday.
Though I am only 38 (only?) I have had to face mortality for many years. My father, who passed in October 2000, was sick most of my life. When I was 14 (in 1981) I had to come to grips with the idea that he could die at any moment. As life moved on there would be critical episodes evry couple of years – heart attacks, skin cancer, colon cancer, more heart attacks. I came to realize that life was fragile. I searched for meaning. Why do we die? I came to understand that this life is finite just like our time in the womb is finite. I found, in every faith, the notion that the life we have is just our preparation for a life beyond. That this life is where we develop the charateristics we will need in the next world – our virtues. I have found great comfort in the notion that this life here to grow the spirit, even up to the day we die. And even if death is final and we simply vanish from existance isn’t it a great way to live? To live as if we need to better ourselves day after day in preparation for a life beyond this mortal world?
I think so. It certainly has helped me. Given me purpose – to make every morrow better than its eve.
Sorry if I got too preachy but this is something that I have had many years to think about and feel quite passionate about.